Another post I wrote crying

This is another blog post on death. If you did not like reading my post titled, my grandmother is dying, then stop here because this is another post about her. I find reading makes my thought process easier and more coherent so I blog frequently. Not much on wordpress but on my private journal. To those who do not know, my grandmother passed away during Ramadan last year, around July. My mother went back to her hometown to stay at her side for her last 2 weeks. I stayed here and prayed for her. I dedicated my Ramadan prayers, solat, dua and quran to her. Due to the heavy workload as my mother was overseas, I did not finish the quran*. Exams followed and my quran pace was ridiculously slow. I finished a quran today for her. I read surah yaasin* for her before saying dua.

And yes, I just kept on crying. I understood what it means when writers write that tears cloud one’s vision completely. I prayed at 1 am though so my family did not see my red eyes and me clutching the quran in my hands.

I asked allah to tell my grandmother that I loved her. I asked allah to tell her I am sorry if I had hurt her in any way, I asked allah to accept my quran, yaasin and Ramadan prayers for her. I asked allah to lessen her suffering for she has suffered so much on earth, I don’t want her to suffer more. I asked allah to grant her mercy and forgive her sins, she was not treated so well in her last years. I don’t want her to suffer. I asked allah to make her questioning easier, don’t be so harsh on her ya allah. I asked allah to ask the angels to love her. I asked allah to let her know that I am so sorry.

What really hurts is that it is not about not being able to cope with a loved one’s loss. It is about me feeling guilty that I had not shown more love to her or even expressed the affection I had for her. I did not return a little of the immense love she had for me and I can’t do anything now. My mom relates this story all the time of how she brought me and my sister to the hospital in the middle of the night because we were running a fever. She tells me always of how she came to my nursery school during lunch hours, fed me lunch, put some powder on my face and walked back home in the scorching sun everyday.

I didn’t do much for you when you were alive and I hope and pray that what I have done now and continue to do for you atones for my own sins.

The lack of blog post was not just due to the impending closure for my grandmother’s death, it was also because I felt lost and I still do. When you feel certain emotions for the first time, you are not sure of how to react, what it is and what to do about it. I recently read a wordpress post that depression and optimism coexist. I think I am in that state right now. I will get back to my normal smiley self as soon as I find myself. I am not feeling like myself now.

*quran: finshing the quran during the fasting month is a practice muslims follow. The prophet Muhammad s.a.w recited the quran fully to Gabriel, the angel, every Ramadan.

*yaasin: something like a chapter in the quran. Usually read for those who have passed away

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