There are two parts to this post: the sad part and the yes, happy part. I am an optimist who wishes for a smile to linger at the end of this post so the sad part goes first.
It is not exactly sad, just unfortunate. My family is downgrading house due to some financial issues. We have never stayed in a house for more than 2.5 years, we keep moving, renting, buying and selling. But this house, which I will be moving out of soon, is special for we have lived here for 5 years. That is an achievement for us and those years hold so many memories. It saddens me to leave this house behind for this is the house where my toddler(yes, toddler: large age gap) brother was born, where he crawled and all those clichés. I spent more time at the dining table than in my own room. We sat together as a family for dinner and for the 6pm ginger tea. I never believed physical space could have a big place in your memories but this one surprised me.
We live on the 3rd floor, the height where the crown of the trees reaches my room. It is the height at which my brother stares out the window for that bird that visits us. One chirps annoyingly at 7am, near the end of subuh time, as though it is telling us to hurry up and finish our subuh prayers. It is the house we bought at the peak of our happiness and are giving away to someone else at an unfortunate time. Regardless of how much my mother grumbles about cleaning the big house, she scrubs the kitchen cupboards from the curry spills every week.
My teenage brother is worried about our family situation. We talked for some time about it (on a side note, there is immense sister pride that he is maturing into a fine young man!). The practical side of my brain explains to him that considering the assets and debts we have, we are on safe ground for the next 3-5 years. Our parents have told us since young how much loans we pay and our dad’s monthly salary, you need to realise money is hard work they say.
The faith part of my brain tells me ”innaa lillahi wa inna ilahi raajioon”. What comes from him, goes back to him.
Our family started off with nothing much to our name and here we are with so much more. It all came from Allah so he is merely taking it back. He will be taking away this life he granted us too after some time. My brother was too young to have memories of the early years so he is more worried I believe. I learnt not to ask for Barbie dolls when I was 7, because that money could have gone to better use or could have paid for my brother’s toys. As the saying goes, the first 7 years of one’s life defines the rest of his journey. To this day, I have an internal price tag limit. I am not panicking about going back to square one which is giving me a panic attack.
I accept Allah taking certain blessings away from us, there is a reason behind it. The picture I saw of a Syrian mother at turkey border with two kids in tow and searching for her husband makes me grief. At least my family is intact, whole and on a much better circumstances. So, there is no reason to ponder about these tiny problems and I push it to the back of my mind. Yet, I am scared that maybe, we are not strong enough to withstand this period where Allah’s blessings seem to leave us. I pray our family does not lose hope in these times. I pray for Allah’s mercy. This is a period of uncertainty and I pray for a definite answer.
And I go back again to my favourite verse:
“By the morning light and the dark of the night, Your Lord has not forsaken you Muhammad, nor does he abhor you”
As I type this at 2:54am in the dark of the night, I know you are here with me. I know you will never forget about this little soul Ya Allah . It is not just my family but also my own life that is tumbling into uncertainty. The verse above came 2 years after Iqra, the first verse of the Quran. For two years, the prophet lived in self doubt and did not know what was happening to his future or present. Compared to Rasul’s agony, mine is the tip of the iceberg. But I know you are watching, listening Ya allah. I do not think it is my mind playing tricks, trying to deceive myself considering I refuse to fully accept problems. Through these difficulties, the bonds between my family members has grown closer. We are praying more and turning more to you ya allah.
Give me strength to push on, to continue, if not for myself, at least for my siblings. It pains me when my brother stresses out about the money. Keep me in your protection Ya Allah. I am willing to let go but I am scared I will not be strong enough during the process.
P.S: the happy part will be up tomorrow. It is about the girl who prayed beside me during my school days and will be on seeing god in small things. I am excited for that post!